At some point in life we suffer loses and although at a cognitive and intelectual level we believe to understand and overcome these loses, the truth is often we remain emotionally and energetically stuck. A loss can be the death of a loved one, a relationship thats ended…

…in reality anything that has emotional meaning for us.  Even changing jobs or homes can fill us with grief and a sense of emptiness. The need to grieve is rooted in the attachment we’ve created with that person or object we need to san goodbye to. When we let go and are capable and strong enough to move on, we recover our internal balance and manage to unblock ourselves from our ´stuckness’. The objetive of grief therapy is to find closure, to say goodbye genuinely from a place of acceptance and love. 

There are 9 phases of grief which ill go over, each process is different and its not necessarily lineal. Its delicate work requiring patience and contention, sometimes therapy is a catalyst and the patient resolves grief with relative ease, other times, one has to start from the very beginning and take small steps. My role is to walk you through and bring forward each phase so you can go over every part of the relationship until you are ready to bid farewell.

Denial phase 

When having to confront a loss, many people tend to connect with denial. For example when dealing with a relationship that has ended or the death of a loved one we try to buffer the pain by acting as if it hasn’t happened. Sometimes we numb ourselves or become delusional about the reality of our new situation, acting as if nothing had happened. The psique needs to separate itself from the trauma of loss and allow some time to integrate and assimilate the truth little by little. Its a phase of adjustment whereby were we’re coming to terms with a new reality. Once we assume the new situation we give up the first line of defence making us turn a blind eye to what we’re trying to avoid. Acceptance puts us in touch with the authentic emotion we’ve possibly covered up for a long time.

Protest phase 

Here we can look at the relationship and see the parts we consider good and the not so good, when we connect with those bad moments we feel an urge to protest against things we found unfair or unpleasant about that relationship. If we’re grieving over the death of a loved one, the first feeling of protest can be the fact that the person is no longer here, later we can feel like protesting over the things we didn’t like about the relationship and those things we that we would’ve liked that persons to have done differently, one of the most salient emotions can be anger, this can be perceived as uncomfortable or incoherent since cognitively how can we be angry towards someone who’s passed away…yet this feeling is buried consciously or unconsciously and needs to be recognised and acknowledged. There are many techniques that help us express and channel anger adequately, if we repress the feeling we’ll remain blocked in our grieving process. When we cant liberate this anger within its right context we’ll express it inadequately and destructively towards our loved ones or those closest to our pain. This blockage can create a negative existence whereby we live in constant state of anger.  As therapist, we can facilitate many tools and models that can alleviate the intensity of this emotion. 

Phase of sadness 

Sadness is the emotion linked to a loss, it’s also the most socially accepted emotion, yet sometimes there can be a sense of fear or dread in case we become overwhelmed or because it makes us feel too vulnerable. As part of the therapeutic process we’re going to evoke moments of the relationship and recognise all the parts that made us sad, the most important and significant memories, honouring sadness and allowing its expression with tears is what allows us to heal deeply and profoundly, its also what allows us to move forward. Often times when we suffer a loss we connect with other losses from the past we haven’t resolved. For example this can happen at a funeral where we feel deeply sad over the death of someone we weren’t really close to, this happens because we connect with the loss of other people with whom we did have a close connection with. The funeral is a trigger  allowing us to feel and relive losses from the past, when this happens we can feel an internal liberation, a relief for being able to finally let go old emotions we’ve been holding onto for a long time. 

Phase of fear 

Fear can be triggered from a feeling of emptiness after a loss, a common thought is what will become of me? it’s a deep feeling of abandonment. When we feel this existential emptiness we find ourselves exposed and vulnerable, primary fears arise and we live with the sensation that bad things can happen at any moment. 

Fear instinctively triggers many reactions and mechanisms of protection such as confrontation, fleeing/avoiding and passivity/numbing. 

-Passivity is a paralysing feeling of numbness whereby we don’t do anything.

-Agitation is when we run around doing many things without any productive or meaningful outcomes.

-Passive aggressiveness, this is when hurt ourselves or hurt others ‘without realising’. 

-Over adapting, here we do what others expect in order to please and not draw attention to one self. 

If we don’t have adequate support and a cannot channel our sadness we might find ourselves feeling unwell and emotionally unstable. It’s important we feel understood, validated and contained when we’re dealing with fear. In a safe environment we can allow ourselves the entire spectrum of emotions linked to grief. 

The emotional stage of grief therapy is where we feel most vulnerable, each step has to be cautious and gentle, sometimes feeling too much can be overwhelming so we try to hide the emotions or minimise their impact. However it’s necessary to pay attention and validate everything that comes to us so we can reach emotional serenity and liberation. 

Rationalising phase 

Sometimes when we suffer a loss we try to find a reason why this has happened. For example when a loved one dies we need to understand the reason of death so we can understand the finality of it, this helps us come to terms with the idea that this person is never coming back. Rationalising is necessary so we can give closure to the cognitive phase. This part can be complicated because we find it hard to really believe that this person is never coming back, going over the steps that led to the persons death can be really useful to comprehend or justify why a person has passed away. 

Phase of emotional acceptance 

After rationalising the loss and closing the cognitive phase we can accept the finality at an emotional level. Here is where we can express everything that this person has meant to us, although it’s not necessarily easy it will bring peace and life will gain a sense of normality, we will be ok being alone and also in others company. To get here the entire spectrum of emotions linked to grief will have to be resolved including anger, resentment for the suffering we’ve been through, jealousy and even hate towards the world for having to go through this experience of loneliness, depression and the feeling that ‘this will never end’. Here it would be useful to carry out a ritual to solidify our farewell.  Each ritual is personal and has a particular symbolic meaning, these rituals are a recognition of the importance the person had in our life.

Forgivness phase 

Here we put everything on a balance, the good and the not so good. Sometimes  those things we consider bad are held onto for a very long time and we find it difficult to let go because we’ve been hurt. Often times these wounds remain open for a long time and can cause a resentment we find hard to acknowledge, its important we find in ourselves the capacity to forgive the person we’re grieving, we don’t want to leave any unfinished business or negative attachments. Clearing this will allow us to move forward and find closure. 

However if there has been an aggression or any unsettling memories, remembering the person can generate anger, if we’ve allowed ourselves to express this anger we can let go of resentment and forgive the person. In essence forgiveness means letting go of resentment. 

Its important to bear in mind that when we forgive someone who’s abused us what we’re actually doing is detaching ourselves from the energy that controlled us negatively, from that which attaches us to the person who hurt us. This doesn’t mean we want to this person back in our life or have a relationship with this person. These cases have be dealt with very cautiously. 

Gratitud phase 

Here we connect with all the positive things the relationships has brought to us, we remember all the good things we carry with us and we feel gratitud for what the relationship has offered us, affection, love, learning, fun, growth. After dealing with unfinished business and saying goodbye we can focus our energy on the positives. The gratitud phase allows us to close the grieving process with a veneer of positivity. This phase comes and goes, we can feel gratitud one moment but suddenly feel sadness or anger, as mentioned earlier, grieving is not linear, its organic and fluctuates depending on each emotional need. 

The phase of new attachments is the last phase, here is where our farewell and grieving therapy comes to an end. Now we can use the energy we previously had focused on the previous relationship to create new attachments. We can even form a new attachment with the person who’s passed away or with the person who we’ve had a breakup, the relationship is different  because its coming from new and renovated energy. This stage is also known as a reorganisation phase, of hope or reinstatement. Here we are capable of looking towards the future with hopes of new projects and aspirations, we really know our grieving is over when we can connect with the capacity of opening our hearts and loving again. 

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