We do the best we can with what we know, when we know better, we do better.
Sometimes we wonder why should go to therapy, after years of being stigmatised and considered for people with serious mental illness, therapy is slowly beginning to be considered a light on all the blind corners we carry around. Exploring one self and becoming aware of why we do things the way we do and why we are the way we are is very liberating and a great gift to ourselves because through understanding we can genuinely change …or not. Sometimes certain behaviour or personality trait work well for us, either because it’s a protection or its just our only way of coping. However, understanding why we use these mechanisms is very revealing as well as an act of self compassion, its like removing a blindfold and seeing colours for the fist time.
I’ll never forget one of my earlier patients who’s biggest release and moment of self acceptance was when she realised that her idea of a normal family didn’t really exists. She carried around so much guilt regarding her children (one of her sons was particularly problematic and had severe borderline personality disorder) that she couldn’t give herself credit fo everything she’d done for them.
I could relate to her distress because I struggled with this feeling of not being a good enough mother for a long time especially when I began studying attachment disorders and how we literally wire our babies brains through these attachments during their formative years. It was a moment of dread of thinking about all the things I could have done better, inevitably I fell into these depths of despair often and found myself blaming myself for everything that wasn’t ‘right’.
Finally after letting go of this guilt I managed to accept that the fact that I cared so much must mean im trying my best and I don’t believe its a question of going overboard with your kids but more to do with how YOU are doing. If you’re ok, your kids most likely will be fine. Sometimes I meet mums following all the ‘correct’ parenting strategies but feel miserable because they’re not doing what right for them, here we enter murky territory of socio cultural expectations and inherited parenting styles, yes, including attachment styles. Even admitting this situation, is just too daunting and triggering for many women corseted in this idea of ‘right parenting’. Admitting one is plain unhappy and would rather things were different is healthy, its the right way forward because if you don’t put yourself first and if your emotional needs aren’t covered, the child is usually the one who absorbs that resentment either passively or in a more direct way. On airplanes we have to put our oxygen mask on first and then we place it on our child, if we cant breathe we won’t be any good for anyone. Life is the same.
“One of my biggest problems is that I’m constantly torn between cutting people off and being patient with them. Sometimes its hard to tell who you have to go through a storm with in order to see the sunshine and who’s toxic and not meant to be in your life” Anonymous
Most of us have probably found ourselves tested time and time again by those who are meant to be closest to your heart. We become emotionally invested in someone and constantly excuse their behaviour until we reach a point where we have to decide whether its worth remaining patient and giving the other person more time to work out their stuff or whether we should cut loose and let go.
Its very tough to move on from someone who we love and who we want by our side but sometimes this is the best most mature choice. Yet it is painful, even though we feel deep down it’s the healthiest decision the feeling of emptiness can be overwhelming. The person who we’re trying to move on from has drawn a lot of attention and energy from us and although we should be relieved and content to move on to greener pastures we feel an inevitable loss. Losing someone who we want in our life is going to create feelings of grievance of sadness and doubt. Here is where we have to learn to divert that energy and attention onto ourselves again, pick up the fractured pieces of our soul that we’ve given away so freely and claim them back.
This requires patience and time, the brain needs to rewire itself and create new neurological pathways, the heart will be frozen and our emotions might become numb. This is a phase of slowing down and quietness, most people feel in a limbo without energy and lost. This is normal, a necessary step to heal. Many believe TIME is what we should value most in life, I agree to certain point, I believe ENERGY is what we should guard with passion. We may have all the time in the world but if we’re lacking energy or diverting onto the wrong people, activities, work, all the time in the world won’t bring us a sense of fulfilment or happiness.